National College Football Headlines

Miami on suicide watch after Duke beats them in football. Duke promises Miami to let them win in women’s field hockey for the next 186 years.

Chapel Hill, NC. Wait, no that’s where UNC is, where does Duke play football? Duke pummeled Miami in football this year for the first time in the history of as far as records go back. This led the Duke athletic department to release this statement.

“We apologize for the actions of our football program as we thought we had an unspoken word to never beat Miami in football. This is especially difficult as Miami is always confused when they are told they are playing a college football game and team in North Carolina and it isn’t NC State, UNC, Appalachian State, UNC Wilmington, University of North Carolina at Charlotte, East Carolina University, Wake Forest, UNC-Greensboro, High Point University, UNC-Ashville, and finally, Guilford Technical Community College.”

Bob Stoops proves again why is he called “Big Game Bob”, beats powerhouse Iowa State.

Norm!!! an, Oklahoma. Another year and another big win for the man that has become accustomed to big wins. Oklahoma crushed perennial national title contender Iowa State in Norman and the win did not go unnoticed. Oklahoma responded by offering Stoops a lifetime contract at Oklahoma contingent on Stoops playing or winning his 100th Fiesta Bowl game this season. As for the puzzling loss an Iowa State player responded, “maybe one day we’ll figure out how to beat those guys.”

Navy rocks South Alabama 42-14. State of Alabama launched official inquiry into which direction is south.

Somewhere in the sticks of Bama! After two great victories Saturday for Bama! and Auburn the state of Alabama couldn’t complete the trifecta. South Alabama fell to Navy in Annapolis by four score and a direction they’re unsure exists in the Bama! When local Bama! residents were told South Alabama lost they were perplexed at the word before Bama! When pressed further responses varied.

“We don’t know no south, we know Roll Tide and War Eagle, that’s how get round.”


“South, is that a liberal thing?”

Arizona continues its philanthropic work, won’t play in Rose Bowl this year, possibly ever.

Tuscon, Arizona. The Wildcats have called off the dogs. After a promising 6-2 start they have lost two in a row and with that the possibility of playing the school’s first Rose Bowl. When questioned about back-to-back loses the Arizona coach responded, “I think everyone has seen what we’re capable of and with that we will be playing for next year. Everyone, you’re welcome.”

Indiana nails lone 3 pointer walks off field

Somewhere in the cold. Indiana came out with one goal. Drain the three ball. And folks, they nailed it. Indiana drilled its lone three pointer taken in the second quarter of its match up with the Badgers. “When the ball went through the hoop is knew it was good, and I think we set the tone for when we see them next.”


Raymond Rodgers - Contributor