College Football National Headlines - December 1, 2013

In the battle of the Klan versus the Klan, the Klan continues to win in Mississippi.

Lynchburg, Mississippi (don’t even try to tell me they don’t play in a town called Lynchburg). After struggling all year the white sheets got something they haven’t experienced since slavery, a win on a football field. Mississippi State beat the University of Mississippi proving there actually is at least ONE University in Mississippi. At the conclusion of the game there was a cross lighting ceremony to celebrate all the wonderful things about Mississippi.

Army loses in Hawaii and this time they can’t blame the Japanese. 

Pearl Harbor, part duex. This time there weren’t any Mitsubishi A6M Zero planes present but the result was exactly the same. The United States Army lost. The U.S. Army has vowed revenge but only once a republican president is elected and the revenge will come in the form of bombing or invading a Middle Eastern nation, which we all know, is code for Iran.

A week after God chose the Catholics, this time it’s the Baptists.

Deep in the heart of Texas. A week after God chose the Catholics over the Mormons he (or she, I’m no sexist) has turned around and snubbed the Christians in favor of the Baptists.

TCU was visibly upset at the loss but junior punter, Melton Gibson put all these recent religious battles in perspective, “as long as it’s not the Jews I don’t care who wins.”

Record number of meth arrests in Fresno after San Jose State ruins Fresno States perfect season.

San Jose, California. Saturday San Francisco Niners fans ruined Saturday Oakland Raiders fans by ending the perfect season of the Fresno State Bulldogs. The 386 pounds of meth the city of Fresno consumed later that evening eased the loss. Unfortunately after all that meth the city became immediately paranoid and stuck a shiv into the city of Clovis.